I HAVE DECIDED TO LOOK FOR "HIM"

FOR SOME REASON, TODAY SEEMS TO BE A MORE DIFFICULT DAY THAN MOST. I HAVE BEEN CLEANING AND DOING GENERAL HOUSE CHORES. NOTHING TOO DIFFERENT FROM A NORMAL DAY, WELL...EXCEPT THAT I AM ACTUALLY DOING WHAT I TALK ABOUT DOING MUCH OF THE TIME. I SHOULD THINK TODAY IS A GREAT DAY. I MEAN, EVERYONE LIKES A CLEAN HOUSE AND NONE WANT TO DO THE CHORES.

I DON'T THINK IT'S ABOUT CHORES THOUGH. YOU SEE, I HAVE BEEN DROPPING INTO AN EMOTIONAL CHASM OF LATE. I SEEM UNABLE TO REVERSE THE TREND. EVEN LESS CAPABLE OF STOPPING THE VELOCITY OF THE PLUNGE. I FIND MYSELF ALMOST WILLING A DROP; AS IF I AM ANTICIPATING THE LOUD THUD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DARKENING PIT.

IS IT THE THRILL OF THE PLUNGE WHICH CAUSES ME TO CONCENTRATE ON THE DROP? LET'S FACE IT. TIL THE HARD SPLAT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE VALLEY, WE ARE BASICALLY UNABLE TO AFFECT OR EFFECT A CHANGE. ONCE WE HIT THE DEEPEST POINT, WHERE IT IS HYPOTHESIZED THAT WE CANNOT GO ANY DEEPER, WE ... HUMANITY AND EACH INDIVIDUAL IN SPECIFIC... CANNOT CAUSE A CHANGE.

IF THIS BE TRUE, I AM POSSIBLY SEEKING TO MAKE A CHANGE IN SOME THING, ONE, OR WAY. AS I FALL THROUGH THE DARKNESS, I SEE SHATTERING REFLECTIONS OF THINGS I HAVE DONE WRONG AND GLIMPSES OF HOW, IF GIVEN A CHANCE, I WOULD REDO THINGS DIFFERENTLY THAN BEFORE THE PLUMMET.

I WOULD HAVE DROPPED SO AND SO FOR THE MAN I LOVED, AND STILL DO. I WOULD HAVE GIVEN UP BLAH BLAH FOR HIM INSTEAD OF WHATEVER IT WAS THAT SEEMED SO GOD DAMNED IMPORTANT BEFORE THIS TIME. I SEE NOW THAT IT MATTERED SO LITTLE...FUCK, I CANNOT EVEN RECALL WHAT THE HELL IT WAS ANYMORE. YET, I REMEMBER HIM, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THE "HIMS" IN MY LIFE WHOM I HAVE LOVED AND LOST.

IN SOME WAYS, I THINK WE PROCESS OUR WAY THROUGH HELL WHILE WE ARE STILL ALIVE ON EARTH. EACH DOUBT, FEAR, DEPRESSION, GUILT, ANXIETY, NONSENSE SYLLABLE WE PONDER...THEY CAN ALL BE EXPLAINED AS PROCESSING THE HELL OF THE PREVIOUS MOMENTS OF THIS...OUR DESPICABLE LIVES.

GLUTTONY, GREED, DESIRE, LUST, MISPLACED ANGER, OUTBURST, BETRAYAL, DRUNKEN WHATEVER...

I ONLY HOPE THAT IN THE NEXT LIFE, IF SUCH A THING EXISTS...I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN AND CHOSE EACH OTHER. THERE IN OUR YOUTH. WHILE WE ARE VIRILE AND FULL OF VIGOR. I HOPE WE CLING TO ONE ANOTHER AND SHUN OTHER PEOPLE AND POSSESSIONS FROM OUR PURPOSES...AND POSE EACH PASSING THOUGHT UPON ONE ANOTHER; TOGETHER FOREVER AND WITH NO THOUGHT OF ANOTHER.

SO, AS I PLUMMET EVER CLOSER TO THE BODY CRUSHING BOTTOM OF THIS EMOTIONAL PIT, I AM NOT GOING TO FOCUS ON THE PAIN ANY LONGER. I AM GOING TO FOCUS ON FINDING YOU... THE "HIM" OF MY DREAMS...AND HOPE THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR ME TOO. TEXT ME ANYTIME AT 832/367-8502. I WILL BE RIGHT HERE IN HOUSTON (OR WHEREVER MY HUNT LEADS) SEARCHING FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT IS GOING TO BE A GOOD REST OF TODAY. I HOPE IT IS FOR YOU TOO.