I HAVE DECIDED TO LOOK FOR "HIM"

FOR SOME REASON, TODAY SEEMS TO BE A MORE DIFFICULT DAY THAN MOST. I HAVE BEEN CLEANING AND DOING GENERAL HOUSE CHORES. NOTHING TOO DIFFERENT FROM A NORMAL DAY, WELL...EXCEPT THAT I AM ACTUALLY DOING WHAT I TALK ABOUT DOING MUCH OF THE TIME. I SHOULD THINK TODAY IS A GREAT DAY. I MEAN, EVERYONE LIKES A CLEAN HOUSE AND NONE WANT TO DO THE CHORES.

I DON'T THINK IT'S ABOUT CHORES THOUGH. YOU SEE, I HAVE BEEN DROPPING INTO AN EMOTIONAL CHASM OF LATE. I SEEM UNABLE TO REVERSE THE TREND. EVEN LESS CAPABLE OF STOPPING THE VELOCITY OF THE PLUNGE. I FIND MYSELF ALMOST WILLING A DROP; AS IF I AM ANTICIPATING THE LOUD THUD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DARKENING PIT.

IS IT THE THRILL OF THE PLUNGE WHICH CAUSES ME TO CONCENTRATE ON THE DROP? LET'S FACE IT. TIL THE HARD SPLAT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE VALLEY, WE ARE BASICALLY UNABLE TO AFFECT OR EFFECT A CHANGE. ONCE WE HIT THE DEEPEST POINT, WHERE IT IS HYPOTHESIZED THAT WE CANNOT GO ANY DEEPER, WE ... HUMANITY AND EACH INDIVIDUAL IN SPECIFIC... CANNOT CAUSE A CHANGE.

IF THIS BE TRUE, I AM POSSIBLY SEEKING TO MAKE A CHANGE IN SOME THING, ONE, OR WAY. AS I FALL THROUGH THE DARKNESS, I SEE SHATTERING REFLECTIONS OF THINGS I HAVE DONE WRONG AND GLIMPSES OF HOW, IF GIVEN A CHANCE, I WOULD REDO THINGS DIFFERENTLY THAN BEFORE THE PLUMMET.

I WOULD HAVE DROPPED SO AND SO FOR THE MAN I LOVED, AND STILL DO. I WOULD HAVE GIVEN UP BLAH BLAH FOR HIM INSTEAD OF WHATEVER IT WAS THAT SEEMED SO GOD DAMNED IMPORTANT BEFORE THIS TIME. I SEE NOW THAT IT MATTERED SO LITTLE...FUCK, I CANNOT EVEN RECALL WHAT THE HELL IT WAS ANYMORE. YET, I REMEMBER HIM, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THE "HIMS" IN MY LIFE WHOM I HAVE LOVED AND LOST.

IN SOME WAYS, I THINK WE PROCESS OUR WAY THROUGH HELL WHILE WE ARE STILL ALIVE ON EARTH. EACH DOUBT, FEAR, DEPRESSION, GUILT, ANXIETY, NONSENSE SYLLABLE WE PONDER...THEY CAN ALL BE EXPLAINED AS PROCESSING THE HELL OF THE PREVIOUS MOMENTS OF THIS...OUR DESPICABLE LIVES.

GLUTTONY, GREED, DESIRE, LUST, MISPLACED ANGER, OUTBURST, BETRAYAL, DRUNKEN WHATEVER...

I ONLY HOPE THAT IN THE NEXT LIFE, IF SUCH A THING EXISTS...I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN AND CHOSE EACH OTHER. THERE IN OUR YOUTH. WHILE WE ARE VIRILE AND FULL OF VIGOR. I HOPE WE CLING TO ONE ANOTHER AND SHUN OTHER PEOPLE AND POSSESSIONS FROM OUR PURPOSES...AND POSE EACH PASSING THOUGHT UPON ONE ANOTHER; TOGETHER FOREVER AND WITH NO THOUGHT OF ANOTHER.

SO, AS I PLUMMET EVER CLOSER TO THE BODY CRUSHING BOTTOM OF THIS EMOTIONAL PIT, I AM NOT GOING TO FOCUS ON THE PAIN ANY LONGER. I AM GOING TO FOCUS ON FINDING YOU... THE "HIM" OF MY DREAMS...AND HOPE THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR ME TOO. TEXT ME ANYTIME AT 832/367-8502. I WILL BE RIGHT HERE IN HOUSTON (OR WHEREVER MY HUNT LEADS) SEARCHING FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT IS GOING TO BE A GOOD REST OF TODAY. I HOPE IT IS FOR YOU TOO.

TIME FOR A CHANGE OF PACE HERE/NEW FORMAT

WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TROUBLE FINDING PEOPLE IN MY OWN AGE GROUP TO RESEARCH FOR A RELATIONSHIP? I ALWAYS SEEK A YOUNGER MAN. LATELY, I AM INTERESTED IN A MAN WHO IS HALF MY AGE. HE IS SWEET, GORGEOUS AND SEEMS SO INTRIGUING. I WANT TO FIND A MAN WHO IS LOVING, A CUDDLER, WANTS TO LIVE TOGETHER, IS ABLE TO COMMIT, AND CAN CARE FOR HIMSELF WHILE BEING WITH ME.

OH WELL, THIS IS WHERE THE JOURNAL CHANGES TO ME INTERESTS AND NOT ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE. HOWEVER, WHEN I AM INTERESTED IN THINGS, THAT IS ALSO ME.

TOGETHER, WE MAY LAUGH AND CRY AND WELL, IF YOU ARE LUCKY...
WE MIGHT JUST SHARE A WILD NIGHT, WEEKEND, OR LIFE TOGETHER.

I AM SEEING A DUDE NAMED GEORGIE. HE IS GREAT, BUT WANTS TO BE A CASUAL DATE. SO, I WILL PLAN TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH HIM CASUALLY. FRIENDS FOREVER AND MORE AS ALLOWED. i REALLY LIKE HIM A TON.

Iraq Prepares To Execute Gay Inmates, 20 At A Time, Starting Later This Week

March 12, 2009: Amnesty International called for the immediate intervention of Iraq's Justice Minister to stop the execution of 128 prisoners on death row, amid reports that the authorities are planning to start executing in batches of up to 20 starting next week.
On March 9, 2009, the Iraqi Supreme Judicial Council informed Amnesty International that Iraq's Presidential Council ratified the death sentences of 128 people whose sentences were already confirmed by the Cassation Court.
The Iraqi authorities have not disclosed the identities of those facing imminent execution, stoking fears that many of them may have been sentenced to death after trials that failed to satisfy international standards for fair trial. Most are likely to have been sentenced to death by the Central Criminal Court of Iraq (CCCI), whose proceedings consistently fall short of international standards for fair trial. (Sources: PRnewswire.com, 12/03/2009>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

As the US joins the coalition of nations to push back criminalization of gay people around the globe; Iraq plans to begin executing gay people.

What a shame! In a world that is slowly accepting gay people in so many ways, Iraq pushes forward with their country's bias against us.

Seems not long ago, fears of such violence were upon my brow as a young gay man in Illinois. In high school, there were threats made to me, and i was not even "out" yet. It seemed these kids knew before being told that I was gay. Their threats kept me hidden for years afterward.

When Matthew Shepherd was brutally killed in Laramie, Wyoming, on October 12, 1998; he was a mere 21 years of age. His death shook fear up my spine. I came out in 1992. His death was a horrific reminder of my high school years.

Yet, nothing like I ever had to face is even remotely close to what the men imprisoned in Iraq are facing. I hear news releases like these and think of Islam, the religion of peace... and I think to myself, another proponent of hate.

But soon, I am reminded of Christianity and Catholicism in America. The hatred of American Christians against the gay community is rampant here also. I am not so sure if many of these people wish any less "good will" to me and my comrades.

Coming out...is a lifelong series of events, not a one time thing. True, once you come out to those you know, you are out and there is no taking that back. But, with each new person you meet, it is a new decision to either revisit your "Closet" or come out to them as well. And...each time we out ourselves, we are faced with the possibilities of hatred and ridicule all over again. However, seldom do we face such intense hatred face to face.

I had one such experience recently at my work in Houston, Texas. I am a truck driver for one of America's largest carriers. During a safety meeting, oddly enough, I found myself in a room alone with a man who is generally cantankerous at best. He was aware of my being gay and had been for quite some time. He took this occasion to share with me that he is so upset with all the news about gay things happening around the world...he wished the government would declare open season on gays. Now, this man is a man who is always talking about God, mind you. Then, he said to me that he was ready to load his gun and start shooting gay people..as many as he could find till he was caught. Well, his story was one which brought fear into the forefront of my mind again. To this day, I just say hello and pass him by quickly. I considered whether to report the issue to my bosses, but figured he was probably just venting his frustrations. But, who knows? The world is such an unstable place.

I share this story to say that anti-gay sentiment is a daily routine to those of us who chose to let it be known who we are. We are not just happily accepted by everyone. And...one of our biggest haters is the Church.

To this I ask, "What would Jesus do?"

Well, seeing as he hung out with prostitutes, alcoholics, and the unclean; I think Jesus would definitely NOT act the way our Church "Leaders" are characterising. I think Jesus would do as he did with the harlot about to be stoned, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

And at this point, I ask again, Who amongst you is without sin? So, why are you picking up that stone to condemn a gay person? Are you not daily guilty of sins yourself? What makes your pet sin any less offensive to God?

To Iraq I ask, does not the Koran say in the section of The Unbelievers:
[109.2] I do not serve that which you serve,
[109.3] Nor do you serve Him Whom I serve:
[109.4] Nor am I going to serve that which you serve,
[109.5] Nor are you going to serve Him Whom I serve:
[109.6] You shall have your religion and I shall have my religion.

Is it not true that there is allowance to drive out from amidst you the unbelievers? And is there no place in all the world where these men,who do not believe as you do, can go? Some nation, MY OWN, which will take such unbelievers? Must death once again be YOUR only option? Cannot you exile these men to another country where they can live amongst those who will accept them, O Iraqi Leaders? Must you so tarnish your new stature amongst the nations of the world in this way?

America? President Obama? Someone bigger than I? Can we not stop this madness before it is too late?

Proposition 8 Trial and Awaiting A Court Verdict

As I ponder the fight in California's Supreme Court, I wonder what could be the holdup. The courts already ruled the issue was unconstitutional. The ballot initiative moved to alter the Constitution. In this, it was obviously not constitutional, in whatever state, as it takes the rights of a minority group away via a vote of the majority.

If this can be done, what is next? Women's rights to vote? Black people's right to be free? Slavery to become legal for the use of Corporations? A woman's right to choose to have an abortion? A woman's right to have 8 children at a time? A family's right to have more than 2 children? A woman's right to not keep a child known to have a defect prior to birth? A woman's choice to keep the ill child at birth? The rights of elderly people to live past a healthy age? A person's choice to live in a state? Where does the madness end?

When it reaches into your family, job, living arrangement, or whatever... Are you ready to lie down and be silent; as California and many other states want us to do? Are you willing to stand casually by and watch YOUR RIGHTS be voted away? Or would you lead an uprising and protest YOUR CIVIL LIBERTIES being taken away?

I doubt if ANY of us would allow ANY government to simply take away our rights without a fight. So, why do I constantly hear that we, gay Americans, whine to much? Why are we asked to simmer down and accept the will of the people? Why are we to allow a travesty such as this to be perpetrated upon us?

The underlying truth of the matter is that the will of the majority ought never to be allowed to trample the basic civil rights of a minority. Much in the way that your mother probably at some time asked you, "If all your friends decided to jump off a tall bridge and plunge themselves into the rocks below...would you just follow them?" Is that not precisely what California, and so many other states, and indeed our Federal Government itself is allowing to happen? We have begun to plummet off a cliff one after another due to our fears of change, or our prejudices against others. Are we to simply follow in lock-step with our fellow countrymen, giving no thought to what lies below? Cannot someone, Our Judges, Our Leaders, Our Religious Leaders, SOMEONE, see that this is a foolish injustice that leads to certain death of a healthy society? Am I the only one who sees this?

Who amongst us has a mind of their own? Who is able to break free from the mold and have an original thought of her own?

Mothers, are you willing to see the joys of your "different" children abolished? Do you not care about ALL of your Children?

Fathers, are you so concerned with what an intolerant neighbor might think, as to allow your Child to be told, "No! You are not worthy of love?"

Religious leaders, have you not lead the charge that sex before marriage is ungodly; yet denying the Children whose emotional wiring is different to not have a right to fulfill the JOY of a relationship that can be made legal, if not sanctified? Are you truly sure "your interpretation" of your religion's teachings are correct in the way you understand it to be? Are you willing to reject Science simply because it is not vague holy text from a era so far prior to your own. Do you not think your God understands changing mores? Changes in societies? Is your God so limited that he cannot be relevant today? Is it not possible that Truth today might mean something different from what your predecessors understood truth to be? Can it not be that they were in err in their interpretation? Are you following their thinking simply because it came first? Are you not then as the sheep that follow one another off a cliff one after another, never questioning the first sheep's errant thinking?

I imagine Jim Jones' followers might today see they were in err in following their leader? If you lead others down the cliffs, is it not you who must answer for the followers who follow you?

Judges, are you so cowardly as to not stand for what is right?

Politicians, must you be so concerned about the next election? Have you lost your first love for doing what is right, and the rest be damned? What happened to the zeal you once felt? When first you entered your elected position, I bet you thought you might change the world? Here is yet another chance to do so.

Neighbor, if you are so against gay marriage, civil unions, domestic partnerships, or some heretofore unknown term for a relationship; that you would see your neighbors and their families suffer because of your hesitance to change your mindset? Can you not lay aside your prejudice?

If you are all so against gay relationships, let me suggest you ... do not enter one such relationship yourself...but to allow those of us who are gay to finally enjoy ours in peace.

Are you tired of hearing about gay rights? THEN, GIVE US OUR RIGHTS AND WATCH THE DRAMA FADE INTO THE FUTURE. We hate hearing about it too.

But, until we have the right to a good job, a loving relationship, a lack of fear of being brutalised on the street, a right to keep OUR property when our loved one dies, a right to see each other and make decisions in hospitals and nursing homes, and so on, and so on, and so on ... WE WILL NOT BE QUIETED !!! Most of these issues can easily be solved legislatively and briskly...then the issue will quiet and we can get along with living our lives in peace.

IF NOT, EXPECT US TO CONTINUE TO RAISE OUR VOICES IN PROTEST. A promise never to end this battle til we win our rights is proclaimed here in print today, again.

Can't we all just coexist and get along?